The Hangry Games

I’m excited for this new Hunger Games movie for a couple reasons. One, no shakey cam, and two P.S.H. There are two types of guys who can pull off three names, assassins and Phillip Seymour fucking Hoffman. 

Even NPH wasn't in Twister

Even though I’m not a thirteen-year-old girl, I read all three books, and I’m not embarrassed. For the record, if you’re an adult who read all the Twilight books, you maybe should be embarrassed.  Yes in the Hunger Games, there’s an annoying love triangle, which could have been solved by the first book coming to the logical conclusion of Katniss killing Peeta, and keeping the glory of the win for herself, but we’ll overlook that.  Because the books also feature a strong female heroine, which is something young girls should be reading about, rather than some dour faced, boring girl mingling with the undead. You let your daughter read that shit, you’re just asking for Evanescence posters (or the 2013 equivalent) and a boyfriend with canine teeth filed into points.

Wanna hear my poetry about aborted babies?

I for one will relish in watching the film about starving people while mindlessly shoving popcorn into my face until my stomach hurts from over-eating. It’ll help me to relate to their plight, as I imagine the hunger pangs are comparable to my gluttonous remorse and that fake butter shit tearing up my insides. I’ve got to point out how thankful I am that it’s dark in the movies and no one can see me go into an eat-monster trance while I unhinge my jaw and force impossibly large handfuls of stale popcorn in.  Any girl with similar popcorn eating habits can relate to the inevitability that I’ll find stray pieces in my bra. Pro-tip, don’t eat those.

Anyway, in theory the idea of forcing the poor to kill each other for food for our entertainment sounds great, as we all assume we’re pretty far from the bottom rungs of the food-chain. But if the war on the middle-class continues as it has, millennials may be facing the very real possibility of bashing each other’s faces in.  In case that does happen, I have a few pieces of advice to survive a modern-day hunger games, but before I begin, it should go without saying that after the first tribute yells ‘YOLO’ the joke is over, don’t try to top it.

5. Intimidate with Britney Realness:

Dear lord, she broke it in half!

 I’m talking post-chaotic, cut your hair off, emit a discernible laugh/cry/scream and forget about a sword, reach for an umbrella. Go full-Britney on them, if you can unhinge like someone going through a divorce with a person called K-Fed, no one will touch you.

4. Cannibalism:

Resort to early and often because… people are delicious!!

3.Fight Dirty:

Fighting dirty in a game where you’re supposed to kill the competition seems obvious,  but conventions of society have always taught us to stay above the belt. I think for the purposes of a battle to the death, or honestly, even a good old-fashioned bar fight, a good eye gouge or jar full of urine to the face goes a lot further than clean punch. That’s why I never go anywhere without my trusty old pee jar.

Almost ready girls, just gotta grab my stuff!

2.Find a Black Best Friend:

Dennis, who was beautiful woman you marry on the television?

Riggs and Murtaugh, John McClain and Zeus Carver, Carl and Lenny, the interracial power duo with its clashing personalities, racial harmony, and some gentle ribbing will keep you alive, and you won’t even have to kill your best friend! As we’ve learned from horror movies, someone is bound to take your buddy out, at which point you can guiltlessly exact your revenge.

1. Be Asian:

If Battle Royale is any indicator compared to the Hunger Games, you might be a bad ass with a bow and arrow, but if you’re fighting some Asian kids in the arena, you are fucked.

Erection puns 2012

CNN is trying to make some different scenarios sound interesting by talking about states like Oregon and rattling off a bunch of numbers. Did I mention the people discussing these fake scenarios in which Obama could possibly not win are old dudes in suits? BORING. 



#madeyalook #I'mnottouchingyou #boogeronyajacket 

But I went and voted tonight. It wasn’t easy either. Is the laziness of my never getting around to updating my voter registration address to Hickory Hills from Lemont cancelled out by the fact that I, yet again, drove all the way to Lemont to vote? In my defense, I totally forgot there was an election going on. There were no clues, I generally spend all my free time watching TV, going on facebook, and trolling twitter, how was I supposed to know??

If only I'd gone through with it then...

Anyway, I really like going to vote in Lemont, because I’ve asked around, and I’m pretty sure the Witkowski center has the best old man volunteer sticker-passer-outer. I like to imagine each time someone finishes voting he thinks to himself “my time to shine”. I also imagine he waits at home all year with his calendar carefully marked with election days, and each day peels away another page anxiously. On my way out I noticed a young girl walking in, and was pleasantly surprised to see the youth vote in action!! I got ready to give her a knowing nod, to say, I’m with you, fellow member of generation y. But then it was my sister. So I of course avoided eye contact all together and waiting until she was out of sight, so I could siphon her gas like usual.

I love voting, the civic duty, exercising my right as an American citizen, my chance to imagine my voice is being heard, and the opportunity to vote ‘no’ on every presiding judge, EVERY TIME! Haha, hilarious, next time I’m standing in front of one, I’m telling him (or her, like those lady judges on tv) “Hey, I voted no on you, asshole!”

I know, you’re all wondering who I voted for. Obama? Romney? It’s not really your damn business, but…..Neither!!! Illinois isn’t a swing state, stupids! WOOO! Libertarian party!!!!!!

Ah, Gary Johnson, your last name and middle part are glorious

This isn't a sequel.

When we were little we used to watch two tapes constantly, Peter Pan, with that super sexy Peter Pan played by some dude named Mary Martin, and a tape of the Wizard of Oz that was recorded off of TV.  Two things to mention about the tape, first I got the DVD of The Wizard of Oz for Christmas like 6 years ago, and that was the first time I saw the end of the movie without it being cut off.  So I pretty much always figured that Dorothy’s big lesson was to run away whenever you’re bored with your sepia-toned life and need a break from your haggish Aunt Em. And the other thing is the old commercials on this tape are awesome.

Even her friends are terrifying

Anyway, The Wizard of Oz, as far as I’m concerned is nearly perfect, yet, director Walter Murch felt by 1985 we were ready for a complete reimaging of the classic film, perhaps the most beloved film of all time, and brought it back to its roots from the original books, it was called “Return to Oz”. It’s not exactly a sequel because the MGM rights are probably way more expensive than the rights to the original books. If you’ve never heard of this film, you might be wondering why, the reason is, it bombed.  

I happened to see part of this movie as a kid at my grandma’s house on TV and didn’t want to leave before I could see how it was going to shake out for Dorothy this time. The movie was disturbing enough that it wasn’t too far of a leap to imagine that she might die. I never did get to see the end of the movie, and it was so fucking weird I spent the last twenty years or so wondering if it was some strange dream I had. Too lazy to search for it on the internet, the other day the question I obsessively asked was finally answered when Return happened to be on TV. Was it as creepy as I remembered? No. it was creepier.



Fairuza is dressed and ready to be type cast as a lesbian

The film, as you may have guessed, is about Dorothy’s return to Oz, but what you might not have guessed is instead of running into some friction with her family at the farm, Dorothy’s main conflict outside of Oz is in a mental institution where a Doctor is preparing to conduct electroshock therapy on Dorothy.  I suppose Dorothy being sexually abused and beaten was the original intention for the opening conflict, but then the film might have run long.  Anyway, escape from the institution, thunderstorm, yada yada yada she’s back in Oz. Also, it should be noted that a young Fairuza Balk played Dorothy….



Now it’s fair to argue that a lot of people were terrified of the flying monkeys as kids, it seems natural to make Return to Oz a little scary. But there is nothing natural about the villains that took the flying monkeys’ place in Return.



Reasonably frightening Henchman

Hitler's nightmares

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The elongated arms on the Wheelers add an extra sense of horror, and I tried to block my mind from deciphering why, but then I pictured them without the jackets. Shudder.  From there, there’s a princess who has a collection of detachable and interchangeable heads, a ‘Gnome King’ made of out of stone for some reason, a character who I assume murdered the scare crow and wore his face as a prize, and a myriad of other characters that could be used in threats to get children to eat their vegetables.

I ate all of Scarecrow's straw and made him watch

I ended up watching Return to Oz in its entirety, and it really wasn’t bad as far as kids’ movies go, but I was so irked the whole time. There’s an intangible reason The Wizard of Oz is so highly regarded beyond how great the movie is. When I watch it I still remember the commercials from our taped version for Cadbury cream eggs with auditioning animals trying to take the Cadbury bunny’s job (which they still play and I can’t help but think about how all those animals are dead now) and one with this fruity little magician kid using paas and a magic wand to color his Easter eggs (I’m guessing this was taped during lent).

The point is, I remember watching over and over in the basement at home over twenty years ago, and it brings me back at least on some level to something that is completely unobtainable, to something fading and out of reach, the way I felt when I was a little kid. So few things in this world have that power, for me it’s things like going to bed on Christmas eve, the smell of popcorn, and watching the Wizard of Oz.  I was entertained by the 80’s acid trip to Oz, but I can’t accept an expressionless version of the Scarecrow, or love a Dorothy who doesn’t sing.

There is no god.

It’s springtime, and that means allergies, lots of rain, a couple of weeks of fake summer in march (apparently) and tornadoes. Everyone who lives in the Midwest has some familiarity with tornadoes, ya know, those murderous cyclones of extremely powerful wind. I was reading up on tornado safety for the drills I’m thinking I would like to run in the neighborhood, I can’t legally call the drills mandatory, but I can write “make sure you show up, unless you want your family to die” on a brightly colored flyer.  It’s recommended to try and find shelter if you’re driving and caught in a tornado, and if that fails, you should get out of the car and hide in a ditch, or simply crouch down in your car away from the windows. 



Shelly did not respect the awesome power of the tornado

Since I have reoccurring nightmares about speeding away from a tornado, and I think laying on the ground to 'wait it out' sounds retarded, I choose to practice option D which is to drive as quickly as humanly possible away from said tornado. I’m thinking my drills will mostly consist of packing all the neighborhood kids into my car and yelling that, ‘the tornado is coming, your parents are already dead!” and then we’ll practice our escape by stepping on the gas and screaming. I imagine the kids will be jealous of the helmet I’ll already be wearing (which might have a painting of a tornado on it), and the fact that I’ll have time to put my seatbelt on, but this is all part of tornado safety awareness.



I think at some point I’ll ask the kids if the tornado catches up with us, if they think our best option is to just drive through it really fast. Because I think that’s what I would do. Who can really know though? I mean, in that kind of crisis situation, I might be forced to start throwing kids out of the car to have less drag.  And who knows, if the tornado is some kind of vengeful act of god, the sacrifice might appease him and maybe the tornado would just dissipate.

 I just hope that people are willing to participate in my drills, ya know, in order to help keep their children informed and safe.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of dreams about tornadoes, you can try and analyze that with your crystals and your dream diary if you’d like, but when you’re done with that tell me why I keep dreaming about being married to Mr. Belvedeer. Go ahead, tell me!!

In my dreams we have 5 kids and live on a farm

I think mostly I dream about tornadoes because they're terrifying and awesome, the sky turns green, sirens go off, it’s like the end of the world but Jesus never shows up.  Plus as you can see from the illistration (which is awesome and only took me like a couple minutes), they're really easy to draw. They’re also the subject of the 1996 film ‘Twister’, which I saw at age ten and of course decided that ‘Storm Chaser’ was my new career path, kind of like how after I saw ‘Jurassic Park’ I wanted to be a genetically engineered dinosaur.

Thank God I didn't wear my sansabelts today!

All joking aside, the best way to survive a tornado is to tie belts around your waists and hook yourself up to a surprisingly sturdy length of pipe. Then you’ll come out of it wanting to reunite with your estranged spouse, you’ll tear up those divorce papers because that’s what usually happens to couples in real life.

So as you can see, I’m not a storm chaser.  As it turns out, there’s not a lot of money in that racquet, I think I was misguided by the Cary Ewles crowd in ‘Twister’ and thought there would be an opportunity to ‘sell out’ and that I would maybe not have to do a lot work if I just found some dorks to steal from. Like most things in life, I never pursued it past talking about it, but it would have involved a lot of science classes and from what reality TV has recently told me, riding around in an embarrassing ‘storm mobile’ with a bunch of a virgins.

This is Halloween?

My personal best

I love Halloween. Now that I have to spend a shit-ton of money on Christmas, it seems to be creeping its way into being my favorite holiday.  I marvel at how seamlessly it transitions with age, from trick-or -treating in costume to being obnoxious and drunk in costume. And now I can watch horror movies without needing an afghan to peek through just in case it gets too scary. Unfortunately, I have some gripes about the holiday that I’d like to complain about (for a change). Because there are dumbasses out there who despite Halloween being as simply awesome as possible, still manage to fuck it up.

These taste like sadness

Peanut Butter kisses

You remember them, the worst candy on earth. I feel the candy manufacturer that released these had a disgruntled candy chef whose wife left him for being too fat. “But I’m a candy chef!!  What did you expect?” Then it was off to the candy kitchen to create a Halloween monstrosity, and I’m not referring to the plus sized sexy costumes (yes those exist) I’m talking about peanut butter kisses. They’re a candy that looks innocently similar to a bullseye, but is made with crumbly, waxy peanut butter. The orange and black wrappers were oddly appealing, enough so that I kept trying to eat them even though I knew they tasted like poison.  I have vivid memories of spitting the sludgey crap back out into my hands.  God, kids are disgusting. Shame on that fat chef, and shame on the cheap parents who passed them out.

Trick-or-treating

Maybe it results in the possession and consumption of more sugar than a child can healthily process and digest, but it also caused the most exercise I probably got all year. I remember breathlessly running, heavy pillowcase over my shoulder, kids screaming ‘THIS IS A GOOD HOUSE!!! THIS IS A GOOD HOUSE!!’ Then speeding over there for my next score. Rain, sleet, wind, there was no curfew to speak of, I just kept collecting candy until my hands throbbed and my legs couldn’t carry me anymore. Then Shelly and I would dump our loot on the living room floor and do tradesies. The thing that sucks about trick-or-treating now is, nobody effing does it anymore! It’s a shame. Sure, maybe the black clothes and sight impairing masks along with the sugar rush made it slightly more likely for a kid to run in the street and get hit by a car. But honestly, I did the same thing and never got run over.  So really people, are we all too afraid to say that this is a strong example of Darwinism? How hard do we really need to work to keep the stupid kids safe? Now-a-days a lot of people have lame Halloween parties for all the neighborhood kids in lieu of trick-or-treating. But honestly, I think your kid is way more likely to get molested while bobbing for apples at one of those creepy parties than while knocking on stranger’s doors for a few hours.

umm...what?

Shitty movies-

I love horror movies, I even love terrible horror movies, but I hate lame horror movies that become wildly popular. Paranormal activity? Is this what it takes to scare people en mass? Maybe I’ll prop my iphone up in my dark living room and stand in a shadow for a couple minutes before jumping out. I’ll be a millionaire! While I’m on the subject, why is there a Saw franchise? Torture is not scary, it’s just disgusting and exhausting to watch. Anyway, I know I tend to get a little controversial on this blog at times, and this is no exception. A Nightmare before Christmas is totally overrated. I’m sick of Christmas in my Halloween as it is, I don’t like seeing ornaments next to jack-o-lanterns in the department stores, and I don’t like seeing a skeleton hanging out with elves. I’ll accept it as a Christmas movie, but not Halloween. And what’s up with all the NMBC tattoos? Really? This children’s movie spoke to you that much? Also, the music isn’t even that great. Why would you wanna watch out of date claymation when  you could watch movies like Dawn of the Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, or Scream? If horror movies aren’t your thing (well you’re probably lame) but can I suggest something to help you through them? Just imagine that the victims are people you know and hate, and that the characters killing them are you. I do that, constantly.

Anything but candy

Aside from the aforementioned Peanut Butter Kisses, the only way you could fuck up passing candy to trick-or-treaters is by giving them anything but candy. I was a polite kid, but I couldn’t make my mouth form for the word ‘thankyou’ when someone gave us pennies. I remember just responding with ‘oh, pennies.’ And did anyone ever eat a popcorn ball, or did you all just throw them at someone?  I remember someone actually even giving out pencils one year. Great! You gave e something I can take home, sharpen, then come back to use it to stab you in the eye. Because you just made me think about school at the worst possible time.

Other than that, go Halloween! Stay safe, stay classy, stay drunk, stay slutty.

Bin Laden's dead, let's all cry about it

“The world is full of people who like to prove how smart and sensitive they are by copying and pasting fake quotations from dead people.” –Hitler

Wow! That quote sums up my feelings and illustrates how much smarter I am than my facebook friends, think I’ll copy and paste it to my status! Hitler didn’t really say that, but that’s the internet for you, misinformation, opinions and band-wagon jumping.  I’m not gonna get up on my soap box here, because I have a step stool that works perfectly fine, and anyway this soap box has splinters.  I’m writing this opinionated blog because I’m irritated by opinions being posted on facebook, and then I’ll go ahead and post this on facebook.  So fuck off for pointing that out to me, I don’t like you, and as you hopefully already know, all my opinions are the right ones.

I had just gone to bed Sunday night, I was heading in pretty early since I needed to mourn yet another weekend gone, when Dan walked in the room to tell me the big news.

Dumbass.

“Look! I think I’m growing a second butt out of my butt.” Wait, no, disregard that. After he pulled his pants back up he told me that Osama Bin Laden was dead. It being a ten year wait, the news was a little bit anticlimactic and didn’t hold the punch it might have had in say 2002, but was still really awesome to hear.   I went back to bed looking forward to all the details unfolding in the news the next day, I had all but given up on this loose end ever being tied up. I was surprisingly satisfied, as in the opposite of how you feel at the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Water killed the aliens? Really? But as I drifted off, I couldn’t help but wonder what stupid posts on facebook were gonna pop up and annoy me the next day.

There was some negativity, like ‘this doesn’t really solve anything and we’re still in a financial crisis’ and general whining like that. And that’s kind of like winning the lottery and complaining about the taxes. I didn’t really see any ‘experts’ coming out with conspiracy theories, so that was good. And there was  little picking on Obama for ‘taking too much credit’ which was annoying since he’s the president and I didn’t hear him say he was the one who shot Bin Laden, but there wasn’t even a lot of that. And then this status started happening:

 ‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Seeing this photo makes me want to quote Martin Luther King

The above turned out to not actually be a real quote, which is hilarious.  Parts of it were from the Rev’s mouth, the rest was re-appropriated by Penn…of Penn and Teller, the magician…on Twitter.  So a bunch of people (wimps) copy and pasted it so we would all feel bad for not being as sensitive and enlightened as they are.  And maybe I’m not the best judge when it comes to these matters. At times I've been know to be a little less than senstitive.

Haha, Osama got his period!

This isn’t like when a dog dies in a movie, I see nothing to be sad about here.  We’re talking super secret military intelligence and a bunch of bad ass Navy Seals raiding Osama’s hideout and shooting him in the face! If you don’t think that’s awesome, that ‘s kind of un-American and maybe you should just move to England and sit around talking about the Royal wedding.

Maybe some people thought the crazy riotous crowd celebration was sort of uncool.  And I guess that’s fair enough. But honestly, I didn’t mind seeing people cheering and waving an American flag.  Things have been kind of shitty around here, I think we can use the win for once.  

Peeps Suck

Easter is the most significant holiday in Catholicism, so we have to give up things, feel badly about ourselves and talk about death a lot. Sounds pretty Catholic! I don’t think many people list Easter as their favorite holiday.  It’s on a Sunday which sucks, and we don’t even get a day off. And after 40 days of giving something up, and not eating meat on Fridays, we’re awarded by gorging on some hard boiled eggs that always get dye on the inside, and throwing some peeps in the microwave. I know Jesus died for our sins, but seriously this is over a MONTH of sacrifice every year. Also, I always consider giving up drinking for lent, but I never do.

Did anyone actually go to visit the Easter Bunny at the mall? If you’re a parent, before you set the kids in a stranger’s lap for what’s hopefully only the second time in a year, do a little research and google the term ‘furries’.   Is that really something you want a photo of? A costume that no doubt attracts weirdos? Also, where do you think that costume goes when it’s not in use? What if it’s in storage at the mall all year and when they dust it off there’s a hole missing from the crotch? “Harold, it happened again, better sew another stuffed animal in there. If there isn’t an age limit for sitting in the bunny’s lap in place already there probably should be. Imagine an androgynous and overweight teenager who waits until Holy Saturday to sit in the Bunny’s lap, stalls until several minutes have gone by and the bunny can feel his leg getting sweaty and warm from the prolonged contact and has to insist that the he has to take pictures with the next little boy or girl even though there’s no one in line before finally the question of ‘what’s happening with the costume when you’re done with it?’ is asked.



A pervert's fantasy...



It's always funny when these Jews fall

One fun thing you do at Easter is the stations of the cross, and by fun I mean, not fun at all. You have to be really super serious and quiet and well-behaved in church.  Plus it’s one of those situations where you can’t make a joke or laugh or smile or anything about someone falling. It was one of those lessons in appropriate behavior for a kid who watched a lot of Three Stooges. Out of 14 stations Jesus falls 3 times, 3 times! You only have to fall once to get kicked out of a bar. If you have the power to turn water into wine it’s probably best you know your limits, especially before your own crucifixion.  Anyway, couldn’t they have tightened it up to 12 stations and had him fall only once?  By the third spill you start wondering if Jesus is a drama queen. 

We also had to color in the Stations of the Cross because school is a waste of time.  When I made it to station 5, ‘Simon of Cyrene carries the cross’ I decided to use my black crayon to color in Simon’s face since he was black, which seemed logical enough to my seven year old self.  I didn’t even take the time to color it neatly, and when I finished I looked down on the scribbly black hole that was enveloping Simon’s face and realized I should have used a shade of brown.  It was the first time I did something that I was aware was politically incorrect.  I was pretty upset about it too, because it was my favorite station, Simon helping and all. Plus, I was worried I was going to get in trouble. My teacher didn’t say anything, though. She probably just thought I was dumb.



"Shut the fuck up! You should just
smile and fucking blow me! Because
I deserve it!"- haha hillarious



There are a lot of good Easter movies, though.  Actually, that’s not true. Can someone explain why the bunnies in ‘Hop’ have English accents? So this year we’ll probably sit back, relax, have some leftover ham and cadbury eggs, and pop in ‘The Passion of the Christ’.  Nothing like watching someone get tortured to death to put you in the holiday spirit. I’ve never seen ‘The Passion’ but the other thing is, it’s in a different language.  I mean, I’ll sit through a foreign film if I have to, it’s not their fault they don’t speak English. But why would you EVER do it on purpose? Who actually cares about authenticity? I couldn’t tell you if anything from ‘Apocalypto’ was realistic, but watching those Indians kill each other was totally badass.  The Passion just seems like a total drag. How could Mel Gibson do something so boring even though he says such awesome things?

Anyway, in closing, Easter might not be the best holiday, but it’s still a holiday. Enjoy your chocolate bunnies and butter that’s shaped like lamb, and raise a glass to Mel Gibson, because he’s fallen on some hard times lately.