I’m excited for this new Hunger Games movie for a couple
reasons. One, no shakey cam, and two P.S.H. There are two types of guys who can
pull off three names, assassins and Phillip Seymour fucking Hoffman.
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| Even NPH wasn't in Twister |
Even though I’m not a thirteen-year-old girl, I read all
three books, and I’m not embarrassed. For the record, if you’re an adult who
read all the Twilight books, you maybe should be embarrassed. Yes in the Hunger Games, there’s an annoying
love triangle, which could have been solved by the first book coming to the
logical conclusion of Katniss killing Peeta, and keeping the glory of the win
for herself, but we’ll overlook that.
Because the books also feature a strong female heroine, which is
something young girls should be reading about, rather than some dour faced,
boring girl mingling with the undead. You let your daughter read that shit,
you’re just asking for Evanescence posters (or the 2013 equivalent) and a boyfriend
with canine teeth filed into points.
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| Wanna hear my poetry about aborted babies? |
I for one will relish in watching the film about starving
people while mindlessly shoving popcorn into my face until my stomach hurts
from over-eating. It’ll help me to relate to their plight, as I imagine the hunger
pangs are comparable to my gluttonous remorse and that fake butter shit tearing
up my insides. I’ve got to point out how thankful I am that it’s dark in the
movies and no one can see me go into an eat-monster trance while I unhinge my
jaw and force impossibly large handfuls of stale popcorn in. Any girl with similar popcorn eating habits
can relate to the inevitability that I’ll find stray pieces in my bra. Pro-tip,
don’t eat those.
Anyway, in theory the idea of forcing the poor to kill each
other for food for our entertainment sounds great, as we all assume we’re
pretty far from the bottom rungs of the food-chain. But if the war on the middle-class
continues as it has, millennials may be facing the very real possibility of
bashing each other’s faces in. In case
that does happen, I have a few pieces of advice to survive a modern-day hunger
games, but before I begin, it should go without saying that after the first
tribute yells ‘YOLO’ the joke is over, don’t try to top it.
5. Intimidate with
Britney Realness:
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| Dear lord, she broke it in half! |
I’m talking
post-chaotic, cut your hair off, emit a discernible laugh/cry/scream and forget
about a sword, reach for an umbrella. Go full-Britney on them, if you can
unhinge like someone going through a divorce with a person called K-Fed, no one
will touch you.
4. Cannibalism:
Resort to early and often because… people are delicious!!
3.Fight Dirty:
Fighting dirty in a game where you’re supposed to kill the
competition seems obvious, but conventions
of society have always taught us to stay above the belt. I think for the
purposes of a battle to the death, or honestly, even a good old-fashioned bar
fight, a good eye gouge or jar full of urine to the face goes a lot further
than clean punch. That’s why I never go anywhere without my trusty old pee jar.
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| Almost ready girls, just gotta grab my stuff! |
2.Find a Black Best
Friend:
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| Dennis, who was beautiful woman you marry on the television? |
Riggs and Murtaugh, John McClain and Zeus Carver, Carl and
Lenny, the interracial power duo with its clashing personalities, racial
harmony, and some gentle ribbing will keep you alive, and you won’t even have
to kill your best friend! As we’ve learned from horror movies, someone is bound
to take your buddy out, at which point you can guiltlessly exact your revenge.
1. Be Asian:
If Battle Royale is any indicator compared to the Hunger
Games, you might be a bad ass with a bow and arrow, but if you’re fighting some
Asian kids in the arena, you are fucked.
