Erection puns 2012

CNN is trying to make some different scenarios sound interesting by talking about states like Oregon and rattling off a bunch of numbers. Did I mention the people discussing these fake scenarios in which Obama could possibly not win are old dudes in suits? BORING. 



#madeyalook #I'mnottouchingyou #boogeronyajacket 

But I went and voted tonight. It wasn’t easy either. Is the laziness of my never getting around to updating my voter registration address to Hickory Hills from Lemont cancelled out by the fact that I, yet again, drove all the way to Lemont to vote? In my defense, I totally forgot there was an election going on. There were no clues, I generally spend all my free time watching TV, going on facebook, and trolling twitter, how was I supposed to know??

If only I'd gone through with it then...

Anyway, I really like going to vote in Lemont, because I’ve asked around, and I’m pretty sure the Witkowski center has the best old man volunteer sticker-passer-outer. I like to imagine each time someone finishes voting he thinks to himself “my time to shine”. I also imagine he waits at home all year with his calendar carefully marked with election days, and each day peels away another page anxiously. On my way out I noticed a young girl walking in, and was pleasantly surprised to see the youth vote in action!! I got ready to give her a knowing nod, to say, I’m with you, fellow member of generation y. But then it was my sister. So I of course avoided eye contact all together and waiting until she was out of sight, so I could siphon her gas like usual.

I love voting, the civic duty, exercising my right as an American citizen, my chance to imagine my voice is being heard, and the opportunity to vote ‘no’ on every presiding judge, EVERY TIME! Haha, hilarious, next time I’m standing in front of one, I’m telling him (or her, like those lady judges on tv) “Hey, I voted no on you, asshole!”

I know, you’re all wondering who I voted for. Obama? Romney? It’s not really your damn business, but…..Neither!!! Illinois isn’t a swing state, stupids! WOOO! Libertarian party!!!!!!

Ah, Gary Johnson, your last name and middle part are glorious

This isn't a sequel.

When we were little we used to watch two tapes constantly, Peter Pan, with that super sexy Peter Pan played by some dude named Mary Martin, and a tape of the Wizard of Oz that was recorded off of TV.  Two things to mention about the tape, first I got the DVD of The Wizard of Oz for Christmas like 6 years ago, and that was the first time I saw the end of the movie without it being cut off.  So I pretty much always figured that Dorothy’s big lesson was to run away whenever you’re bored with your sepia-toned life and need a break from your haggish Aunt Em. And the other thing is the old commercials on this tape are awesome.

Even her friends are terrifying

Anyway, The Wizard of Oz, as far as I’m concerned is nearly perfect, yet, director Walter Murch felt by 1985 we were ready for a complete reimaging of the classic film, perhaps the most beloved film of all time, and brought it back to its roots from the original books, it was called “Return to Oz”. It’s not exactly a sequel because the MGM rights are probably way more expensive than the rights to the original books. If you’ve never heard of this film, you might be wondering why, the reason is, it bombed.  

I happened to see part of this movie as a kid at my grandma’s house on TV and didn’t want to leave before I could see how it was going to shake out for Dorothy this time. The movie was disturbing enough that it wasn’t too far of a leap to imagine that she might die. I never did get to see the end of the movie, and it was so fucking weird I spent the last twenty years or so wondering if it was some strange dream I had. Too lazy to search for it on the internet, the other day the question I obsessively asked was finally answered when Return happened to be on TV. Was it as creepy as I remembered? No. it was creepier.



Fairuza is dressed and ready to be type cast as a lesbian

The film, as you may have guessed, is about Dorothy’s return to Oz, but what you might not have guessed is instead of running into some friction with her family at the farm, Dorothy’s main conflict outside of Oz is in a mental institution where a Doctor is preparing to conduct electroshock therapy on Dorothy.  I suppose Dorothy being sexually abused and beaten was the original intention for the opening conflict, but then the film might have run long.  Anyway, escape from the institution, thunderstorm, yada yada yada she’s back in Oz. Also, it should be noted that a young Fairuza Balk played Dorothy….



Now it’s fair to argue that a lot of people were terrified of the flying monkeys as kids, it seems natural to make Return to Oz a little scary. But there is nothing natural about the villains that took the flying monkeys’ place in Return.



Reasonably frightening Henchman

Hitler's nightmares

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The elongated arms on the Wheelers add an extra sense of horror, and I tried to block my mind from deciphering why, but then I pictured them without the jackets. Shudder.  From there, there’s a princess who has a collection of detachable and interchangeable heads, a ‘Gnome King’ made of out of stone for some reason, a character who I assume murdered the scare crow and wore his face as a prize, and a myriad of other characters that could be used in threats to get children to eat their vegetables.

I ate all of Scarecrow's straw and made him watch

I ended up watching Return to Oz in its entirety, and it really wasn’t bad as far as kids’ movies go, but I was so irked the whole time. There’s an intangible reason The Wizard of Oz is so highly regarded beyond how great the movie is. When I watch it I still remember the commercials from our taped version for Cadbury cream eggs with auditioning animals trying to take the Cadbury bunny’s job (which they still play and I can’t help but think about how all those animals are dead now) and one with this fruity little magician kid using paas and a magic wand to color his Easter eggs (I’m guessing this was taped during lent).

The point is, I remember watching over and over in the basement at home over twenty years ago, and it brings me back at least on some level to something that is completely unobtainable, to something fading and out of reach, the way I felt when I was a little kid. So few things in this world have that power, for me it’s things like going to bed on Christmas eve, the smell of popcorn, and watching the Wizard of Oz.  I was entertained by the 80’s acid trip to Oz, but I can’t accept an expressionless version of the Scarecrow, or love a Dorothy who doesn’t sing.

There is no god.

It’s springtime, and that means allergies, lots of rain, a couple of weeks of fake summer in march (apparently) and tornadoes. Everyone who lives in the Midwest has some familiarity with tornadoes, ya know, those murderous cyclones of extremely powerful wind. I was reading up on tornado safety for the drills I’m thinking I would like to run in the neighborhood, I can’t legally call the drills mandatory, but I can write “make sure you show up, unless you want your family to die” on a brightly colored flyer.  It’s recommended to try and find shelter if you’re driving and caught in a tornado, and if that fails, you should get out of the car and hide in a ditch, or simply crouch down in your car away from the windows. 



Shelly did not respect the awesome power of the tornado

Since I have reoccurring nightmares about speeding away from a tornado, and I think laying on the ground to 'wait it out' sounds retarded, I choose to practice option D which is to drive as quickly as humanly possible away from said tornado. I’m thinking my drills will mostly consist of packing all the neighborhood kids into my car and yelling that, ‘the tornado is coming, your parents are already dead!” and then we’ll practice our escape by stepping on the gas and screaming. I imagine the kids will be jealous of the helmet I’ll already be wearing (which might have a painting of a tornado on it), and the fact that I’ll have time to put my seatbelt on, but this is all part of tornado safety awareness.



I think at some point I’ll ask the kids if the tornado catches up with us, if they think our best option is to just drive through it really fast. Because I think that’s what I would do. Who can really know though? I mean, in that kind of crisis situation, I might be forced to start throwing kids out of the car to have less drag.  And who knows, if the tornado is some kind of vengeful act of god, the sacrifice might appease him and maybe the tornado would just dissipate.

 I just hope that people are willing to participate in my drills, ya know, in order to help keep their children informed and safe.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of dreams about tornadoes, you can try and analyze that with your crystals and your dream diary if you’d like, but when you’re done with that tell me why I keep dreaming about being married to Mr. Belvedeer. Go ahead, tell me!!

In my dreams we have 5 kids and live on a farm

I think mostly I dream about tornadoes because they're terrifying and awesome, the sky turns green, sirens go off, it’s like the end of the world but Jesus never shows up.  Plus as you can see from the illistration (which is awesome and only took me like a couple minutes), they're really easy to draw. They’re also the subject of the 1996 film ‘Twister’, which I saw at age ten and of course decided that ‘Storm Chaser’ was my new career path, kind of like how after I saw ‘Jurassic Park’ I wanted to be a genetically engineered dinosaur.

Thank God I didn't wear my sansabelts today!

All joking aside, the best way to survive a tornado is to tie belts around your waists and hook yourself up to a surprisingly sturdy length of pipe. Then you’ll come out of it wanting to reunite with your estranged spouse, you’ll tear up those divorce papers because that’s what usually happens to couples in real life.

So as you can see, I’m not a storm chaser.  As it turns out, there’s not a lot of money in that racquet, I think I was misguided by the Cary Ewles crowd in ‘Twister’ and thought there would be an opportunity to ‘sell out’ and that I would maybe not have to do a lot work if I just found some dorks to steal from. Like most things in life, I never pursued it past talking about it, but it would have involved a lot of science classes and from what reality TV has recently told me, riding around in an embarrassing ‘storm mobile’ with a bunch of a virgins.