This is Halloween?

My personal best

I love Halloween. Now that I have to spend a shit-ton of money on Christmas, it seems to be creeping its way into being my favorite holiday.  I marvel at how seamlessly it transitions with age, from trick-or -treating in costume to being obnoxious and drunk in costume. And now I can watch horror movies without needing an afghan to peek through just in case it gets too scary. Unfortunately, I have some gripes about the holiday that I’d like to complain about (for a change). Because there are dumbasses out there who despite Halloween being as simply awesome as possible, still manage to fuck it up.

These taste like sadness

Peanut Butter kisses

You remember them, the worst candy on earth. I feel the candy manufacturer that released these had a disgruntled candy chef whose wife left him for being too fat. “But I’m a candy chef!!  What did you expect?” Then it was off to the candy kitchen to create a Halloween monstrosity, and I’m not referring to the plus sized sexy costumes (yes those exist) I’m talking about peanut butter kisses. They’re a candy that looks innocently similar to a bullseye, but is made with crumbly, waxy peanut butter. The orange and black wrappers were oddly appealing, enough so that I kept trying to eat them even though I knew they tasted like poison.  I have vivid memories of spitting the sludgey crap back out into my hands.  God, kids are disgusting. Shame on that fat chef, and shame on the cheap parents who passed them out.

Trick-or-treating

Maybe it results in the possession and consumption of more sugar than a child can healthily process and digest, but it also caused the most exercise I probably got all year. I remember breathlessly running, heavy pillowcase over my shoulder, kids screaming ‘THIS IS A GOOD HOUSE!!! THIS IS A GOOD HOUSE!!’ Then speeding over there for my next score. Rain, sleet, wind, there was no curfew to speak of, I just kept collecting candy until my hands throbbed and my legs couldn’t carry me anymore. Then Shelly and I would dump our loot on the living room floor and do tradesies. The thing that sucks about trick-or-treating now is, nobody effing does it anymore! It’s a shame. Sure, maybe the black clothes and sight impairing masks along with the sugar rush made it slightly more likely for a kid to run in the street and get hit by a car. But honestly, I did the same thing and never got run over.  So really people, are we all too afraid to say that this is a strong example of Darwinism? How hard do we really need to work to keep the stupid kids safe? Now-a-days a lot of people have lame Halloween parties for all the neighborhood kids in lieu of trick-or-treating. But honestly, I think your kid is way more likely to get molested while bobbing for apples at one of those creepy parties than while knocking on stranger’s doors for a few hours.

umm...what?

Shitty movies-

I love horror movies, I even love terrible horror movies, but I hate lame horror movies that become wildly popular. Paranormal activity? Is this what it takes to scare people en mass? Maybe I’ll prop my iphone up in my dark living room and stand in a shadow for a couple minutes before jumping out. I’ll be a millionaire! While I’m on the subject, why is there a Saw franchise? Torture is not scary, it’s just disgusting and exhausting to watch. Anyway, I know I tend to get a little controversial on this blog at times, and this is no exception. A Nightmare before Christmas is totally overrated. I’m sick of Christmas in my Halloween as it is, I don’t like seeing ornaments next to jack-o-lanterns in the department stores, and I don’t like seeing a skeleton hanging out with elves. I’ll accept it as a Christmas movie, but not Halloween. And what’s up with all the NMBC tattoos? Really? This children’s movie spoke to you that much? Also, the music isn’t even that great. Why would you wanna watch out of date claymation when  you could watch movies like Dawn of the Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, or Scream? If horror movies aren’t your thing (well you’re probably lame) but can I suggest something to help you through them? Just imagine that the victims are people you know and hate, and that the characters killing them are you. I do that, constantly.

Anything but candy

Aside from the aforementioned Peanut Butter Kisses, the only way you could fuck up passing candy to trick-or-treaters is by giving them anything but candy. I was a polite kid, but I couldn’t make my mouth form for the word ‘thankyou’ when someone gave us pennies. I remember just responding with ‘oh, pennies.’ And did anyone ever eat a popcorn ball, or did you all just throw them at someone?  I remember someone actually even giving out pencils one year. Great! You gave e something I can take home, sharpen, then come back to use it to stab you in the eye. Because you just made me think about school at the worst possible time.

Other than that, go Halloween! Stay safe, stay classy, stay drunk, stay slutty.

Bin Laden's dead, let's all cry about it

“The world is full of people who like to prove how smart and sensitive they are by copying and pasting fake quotations from dead people.” –Hitler

Wow! That quote sums up my feelings and illustrates how much smarter I am than my facebook friends, think I’ll copy and paste it to my status! Hitler didn’t really say that, but that’s the internet for you, misinformation, opinions and band-wagon jumping.  I’m not gonna get up on my soap box here, because I have a step stool that works perfectly fine, and anyway this soap box has splinters.  I’m writing this opinionated blog because I’m irritated by opinions being posted on facebook, and then I’ll go ahead and post this on facebook.  So fuck off for pointing that out to me, I don’t like you, and as you hopefully already know, all my opinions are the right ones.

I had just gone to bed Sunday night, I was heading in pretty early since I needed to mourn yet another weekend gone, when Dan walked in the room to tell me the big news.

Dumbass.

“Look! I think I’m growing a second butt out of my butt.” Wait, no, disregard that. After he pulled his pants back up he told me that Osama Bin Laden was dead. It being a ten year wait, the news was a little bit anticlimactic and didn’t hold the punch it might have had in say 2002, but was still really awesome to hear.   I went back to bed looking forward to all the details unfolding in the news the next day, I had all but given up on this loose end ever being tied up. I was surprisingly satisfied, as in the opposite of how you feel at the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Water killed the aliens? Really? But as I drifted off, I couldn’t help but wonder what stupid posts on facebook were gonna pop up and annoy me the next day.

There was some negativity, like ‘this doesn’t really solve anything and we’re still in a financial crisis’ and general whining like that. And that’s kind of like winning the lottery and complaining about the taxes. I didn’t really see any ‘experts’ coming out with conspiracy theories, so that was good. And there was  little picking on Obama for ‘taking too much credit’ which was annoying since he’s the president and I didn’t hear him say he was the one who shot Bin Laden, but there wasn’t even a lot of that. And then this status started happening:

 ‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Seeing this photo makes me want to quote Martin Luther King

The above turned out to not actually be a real quote, which is hilarious.  Parts of it were from the Rev’s mouth, the rest was re-appropriated by Penn…of Penn and Teller, the magician…on Twitter.  So a bunch of people (wimps) copy and pasted it so we would all feel bad for not being as sensitive and enlightened as they are.  And maybe I’m not the best judge when it comes to these matters. At times I've been know to be a little less than senstitive.

Haha, Osama got his period!

This isn’t like when a dog dies in a movie, I see nothing to be sad about here.  We’re talking super secret military intelligence and a bunch of bad ass Navy Seals raiding Osama’s hideout and shooting him in the face! If you don’t think that’s awesome, that ‘s kind of un-American and maybe you should just move to England and sit around talking about the Royal wedding.

Maybe some people thought the crazy riotous crowd celebration was sort of uncool.  And I guess that’s fair enough. But honestly, I didn’t mind seeing people cheering and waving an American flag.  Things have been kind of shitty around here, I think we can use the win for once.  

Peeps Suck

Easter is the most significant holiday in Catholicism, so we have to give up things, feel badly about ourselves and talk about death a lot. Sounds pretty Catholic! I don’t think many people list Easter as their favorite holiday.  It’s on a Sunday which sucks, and we don’t even get a day off. And after 40 days of giving something up, and not eating meat on Fridays, we’re awarded by gorging on some hard boiled eggs that always get dye on the inside, and throwing some peeps in the microwave. I know Jesus died for our sins, but seriously this is over a MONTH of sacrifice every year. Also, I always consider giving up drinking for lent, but I never do.

Did anyone actually go to visit the Easter Bunny at the mall? If you’re a parent, before you set the kids in a stranger’s lap for what’s hopefully only the second time in a year, do a little research and google the term ‘furries’.   Is that really something you want a photo of? A costume that no doubt attracts weirdos? Also, where do you think that costume goes when it’s not in use? What if it’s in storage at the mall all year and when they dust it off there’s a hole missing from the crotch? “Harold, it happened again, better sew another stuffed animal in there. If there isn’t an age limit for sitting in the bunny’s lap in place already there probably should be. Imagine an androgynous and overweight teenager who waits until Holy Saturday to sit in the Bunny’s lap, stalls until several minutes have gone by and the bunny can feel his leg getting sweaty and warm from the prolonged contact and has to insist that the he has to take pictures with the next little boy or girl even though there’s no one in line before finally the question of ‘what’s happening with the costume when you’re done with it?’ is asked.



A pervert's fantasy...



It's always funny when these Jews fall

One fun thing you do at Easter is the stations of the cross, and by fun I mean, not fun at all. You have to be really super serious and quiet and well-behaved in church.  Plus it’s one of those situations where you can’t make a joke or laugh or smile or anything about someone falling. It was one of those lessons in appropriate behavior for a kid who watched a lot of Three Stooges. Out of 14 stations Jesus falls 3 times, 3 times! You only have to fall once to get kicked out of a bar. If you have the power to turn water into wine it’s probably best you know your limits, especially before your own crucifixion.  Anyway, couldn’t they have tightened it up to 12 stations and had him fall only once?  By the third spill you start wondering if Jesus is a drama queen. 

We also had to color in the Stations of the Cross because school is a waste of time.  When I made it to station 5, ‘Simon of Cyrene carries the cross’ I decided to use my black crayon to color in Simon’s face since he was black, which seemed logical enough to my seven year old self.  I didn’t even take the time to color it neatly, and when I finished I looked down on the scribbly black hole that was enveloping Simon’s face and realized I should have used a shade of brown.  It was the first time I did something that I was aware was politically incorrect.  I was pretty upset about it too, because it was my favorite station, Simon helping and all. Plus, I was worried I was going to get in trouble. My teacher didn’t say anything, though. She probably just thought I was dumb.



"Shut the fuck up! You should just
smile and fucking blow me! Because
I deserve it!"- haha hillarious



There are a lot of good Easter movies, though.  Actually, that’s not true. Can someone explain why the bunnies in ‘Hop’ have English accents? So this year we’ll probably sit back, relax, have some leftover ham and cadbury eggs, and pop in ‘The Passion of the Christ’.  Nothing like watching someone get tortured to death to put you in the holiday spirit. I’ve never seen ‘The Passion’ but the other thing is, it’s in a different language.  I mean, I’ll sit through a foreign film if I have to, it’s not their fault they don’t speak English. But why would you EVER do it on purpose? Who actually cares about authenticity? I couldn’t tell you if anything from ‘Apocalypto’ was realistic, but watching those Indians kill each other was totally badass.  The Passion just seems like a total drag. How could Mel Gibson do something so boring even though he says such awesome things?

Anyway, in closing, Easter might not be the best holiday, but it’s still a holiday. Enjoy your chocolate bunnies and butter that’s shaped like lamb, and raise a glass to Mel Gibson, because he’s fallen on some hard times lately.

Caring is a total Snoozefest

When did it become hip to care about things? I guess a lot of that crap dates back to the 60’s. But it somehow seems worse in the last few years. Is it my generation, or maybe my age? And is it really wrong that I find so much of it irritating?

hahaha, awesome. <3 Chicago

I remember when I was on Campus one time a girl handed me a flyer. Thinking back, I can’t believe I didn’t know then to be leery of someone with a flyer.  She explained in some scripted way that a march would be taking place in protest of the Catholic Church’s stance on contraceptives.  The word ‘march’ was a definite turn-off, but I listened on since I didn’t fully realize what was happening to me.  Anyway, the idea of being against contraceptives is bad, considering that might help create people like the one standing in front of me, so at the moment I was tricked into believing that she had a point.  I gave her some sort of entranced response of ‘go on’, except not really ‘go on’ because who says that besides characters in a play setting up a big punch line?

She explained that in an act of protest of what turned out to be something the pope said, the group planned to march to some big church in the city, carrying a cross covered in condoms.  I hope I asked her “Are you fucking serious?” But I think all I did was scrunch up my face and throw out the flyer so she could see me do it. When I crumpled it up I think I did it real angry though, and maybe I missed the trash can on the first try, but who can remember for sure?

The fact that a bunch of white people in some way desecrating a religious symbol of ANY OTHER RELGION would have been considered ‘totally ignorant  and offensive’ by this same person wasn’t even the most annoying part. It was that in no way were they actually working to change anything.  They were just kicking up shit and freaking out squares, and I’m pretty sure anyone who actually participated in this march spent little time thinking about the issue at hand and instead thought about their awesome weird clothes and hair and how all the church people would be like “Woah! Kids today!”

He has a lot of opinions, but he smells

I swear I’m not bitter, I actually like when people believe in things.  It’s kind of endearing and reminds me of me before I started hating everything. The problem is most people believe in spreading the word on their own awesomeness.  ‘Look at how great I am for knowing about things in the world that are wrong that you’re too ignorant to understand.  I’m not lazy like you because I help people by talking about them, and taking no further action.’  If all you want to do is talk about how great you are all the time, why thinly veil it with a cause you don’t actually do anything about? Try something productive, like making sure there are really attractive photos of you on facebook so people will make complimentary comments like “super cute!” and “damn gurl, you look fine!”  Or start writing a blog!

And none of this is to say that opinions, awareness, and discussion are bad things. The self-importance is where it gets annoying, unless it’s mine, because I am important, period.  Also, I looked into it, and all my opinions are the right ones as it turns out.

So please, don’t feel the need to educate me about starving children in some country I never heard of. You’re running the risk of temporarily affecting my appetite, and you don’t know, I might have just ordered a pizza! Don’t talk to me about modern-day sexism, because I really don’t want to start taking out the garbage.  And before you speak out for some oppressed group, ask yourself, what have they done for me lately?

I felt bad when I threw that bag of Cheetos out the window, but where were you when I needed a ride to the airport?

March to your own bag-piper

It’s a very special time of year for Irish-Americans. We have an excuse to do Irish Car Bombs, sway and sing Pogues songs off-key , and eat a shit-ton of Corned beef and Cabbage. But since 2010, the celebration has felt a little emptier.



 

YELLING



Two years ago, I lost something important to me, a very special day, the South Side Irish Parade.  Sure the parade overall was pretty crappy, and it seemed like most anyone could be in it.  But that’s not the point, It combined two of my favorite things, public drunkenness and yelling. So much yelling.  And I guess I could get those things at say, a professional sporting event or perhaps the Bud Billiken parade…but would they have the charm and warmth of the South Side?

 Over the years, I continued to celebrate parade day. When we got a little bigger we thought it was funny to mess with the drunk people, and probably it was.  But it wasn’t until my teen years that I could appreciate what I had always referred to as ‘the best day of the year’.  When I think about a 19-year-old me engaging in tug of war over a bucket of beer with a cop, I have to wonder, will I ever do that again? 

IRISH RILEY!



It was after the parade of March 2009 that the committee announced they weren’t planning on holding a 2010 edition. Saying “the event had become too large for the community to accommodate and the difficulty in policing such a large crowd while maintaining the dignity of the event.” And maybe that was true. Sure there was public urination, and vomiting, and fighting. And Ok, maybe I was even guilty of a couple of those things. And I guess I can’t fault them when I think of how out of hand it had become.



Night before Parade 2009



But who among us is above a holiday that celebrates drinking early in the morning? By the way, if that doesn’t sound great to you, try walking to a parade in the cold with a hangover.  I can’t believe I can never do that again on a Sunday morning without being accused of being an alcoholic.

Anyway, I hope this teaches us all to cherish whatever traditions we have, and to celebrate hard. Because you never know when a bunch of stupid north-siders will show up on a bus and act like retards and ruin everything.



Cherish these moments



RIP Parade Day

We're long overdue for another streaker at the Oscars...

It’s Oscar season, which means one thing. Bologna party!!! Also, the Academy Awards are a week from Sunday.  There’s so much glitz, glamour, high fashion risks that I don’t understand. And there’s a room full of celebrities doing what they do best, having their ego’s stroked and being lulled into believing that the work they do is important.

I don’t mean to sound condescending, I love movies. Of course, not usually the type of movies that win Oscars… At any rate I feel I’m highly qualified to review the films up for the big prize: Best Picture. I’m super smart, have great taste, and I’ve seen two of the movies in the category so it should be a breeze.

The Fighter: I don’t see how a movie about white boxers is based on a true story. Not Oscar material.Marky, why didn’t you quite while you were ahead…in the funky bunch?



I have so many people to thank...



The Kids are All Right: A film starring Annette Bening’s gym teacher hair and a socially aware and topical premise about two lesbians raising a family. I heard this movie was pretty funny, but when my sister saw it she said it lost her when it turned out the ‘birth father’ owned some kind of organic restaurant or some shit.  LAME! The Oscars love these types of movies, they help teach the stupid American public to be more progressive. We’re all just ignorant without movies to show us that we’re all a little bit racist, thanks Crash. So I guess this is a contender, but I’m thinking if anything the turkey baster is a dark horse for Best Supporting Actor.

Black Swan: Another socially aware film, this one depicts the lives of lesbian ballerinas. I once knew a ballerina, I worked with her when I was a receptionist. She was weird! She was super boney and had Olive Oyl boobs and no bra.  She had Ron Burgandy hair and a little bit of a moustache to match.  I wonder if the film would have drummed up as much interest if this girl landed the Mila Kunis Role and plunged face first into Natalie Portman’s crotch.

The King’s Speech: From what I can tell, a boring movie about a stammering King. First of all, England is stupid. Second, this is supposed to be an inspirational film about overcoming adversity….by talking?? The Germans are coming, hope the king can finish a sentence in under 15 fucking minutes.  Unless in the end the king gains so much confidence by kicking the stuttering issue that he flips out and starts killing a bunch of Nazis, I don’t think I’ll draw much inspiration.



Wimp.



Inception: How can you steal from people’s dreams? Mine are always about being late for work, what good does that do anyone?

The Social Network: This is one of the films I actually saw! I think it was about some website or something….youtube? Anyway, the main character is a neurotic jew with a lot of money. Pretty original.

127 Hours: I’m pretty sure overcoming a boulder by cutting off your fucking arm is more impressive than overcoming a speech impediment. So right there I’ll put this movie ahead of The King’s Speech in the Oscars race. Plus James Franco is pretty fiiiine. I look forward to watching him tell Bruce Vilanch jokes.  I thought if you were fat you were supposed to be funny, and that guy is sooo super fat.


A still from one of Franco's lesser know roles from this year on General Hospital



True Grit: In this remake, Jeff Bridges pays homage to John Wayne’s Oscar winning role. I’m thinking it would have been funnier if it was the dude as a cowboy, nice going Coen brothers…

Toy Story 3: The third and final installment of the Toy Story franchise made me cry an embarrassing 3 times.  The first time I was only about ten minutes in, luckily I had 3D glasses on, which by the way, did not enhance the movie going experience at all. When will this 3D fad end? I mean, I understand why you would want to pretend the Biebs is right there with you, but beyond that…

Winters Bone….r: A film about poor people (I think). Some girl searches for her drug dealing father…lame! If I wanted to watch that I would just head over to Robbins and look for a little kid wandering around outside after midnight with no shoes on.

Ok so after careful consideration, it looks like the best picture will probably be: Lottery Ticket!!

Oh Lincoln, your birthday is so sexy!

It’s a very special time of year, the weather sucks balls, the next vacation day is super far, and I’m forced to destroy my teeth with chalky stale candies decorated with updating sayings like ‘text me’. I don’t even like ‘Sweethearts’ but there’s just so damn many of them I feel obligated to eat them or they’ll never go away. Who buys those? Stop it! We also get to celebrate the beheading of St. Valentine by going out to dinner.  And why shouldn’t we? Nobody likes saints anyway.  Always marching, and losing to the Seahawks…

                When my birthday celebration resulted in dry heaves (see ‘my very first post’) I turned on the TV and the movie ‘Valentine’s Day’ was on HBO. Aside from the jokes not being funny, and the movie shooting for mediocre at best overall, I had to ask….Am I to believe that Jessica Biel hates Valentine’s Day because she’s alone? Jessica Biel?? I’m pretty sure if I’m an old spinster in sweat pants and a bleach stained Cheryl Crow T-shirt and I’m watching Jessica Biel stress eat chocolates and rant about valentine’s day, I’m gonna hate the holiday, too. So maybe the film accomplished that much.

                In the third grade, my dad took me to the store to pick out my valentines so I could pass them out to the kids in my class.  When I saw my favorite Saturday morning cartoon on one of the cardboard boxes, as you can imagine, I was pretty fucking excited.  I couldn’t believe such a badass version of those stupid little cards existed.  I figured I was pretty much gonna blow everyone away with my valentines that had the sweet X-Men puns. I was wrong, though. Mostly I just got made fun of for buying boy Valentines. It was so disappointing.  I remember thinking everyone in my class was stupid.

I totally remember this one!!

Somewhere in my house still exists a Superman Valentine Erin McGurk gave me.  When I got it I should have figured we were kindred spirits. And maybe I would have, if amidst all the other kids teasing me for not acting like a girl, Erin had approached me and slipped her Superman valentine onto my desk, validating me, letting me know I wasn’t going to be weird all by myself. But I didn’t know Erin then, she gave me the Superman valentine when we were like 15. So mostly I just figured she was in love with me….and then I made fun of her for being weird. It wasn’t really fair, she didn’t know comic book valentines were kind of a sore spot for me…

I’m gonna point out that I’m making fun of Erin for ‘being in love with me’ when I still have the valentine she gave me ten years ago. Ok, shutup, we’re running off to Vermont together.

                This is the first Valentines that Dan and I are married.  We can go out I guess….or stay in and change into pajamas at like 6pm. Either sounds pretty dynamite to me. As long as we don’t watch that awful Valentine’s Day movie, I might have Viet Nam type flash backs and start dry heaving again. Dan can buy me chocolates I guess, don’t really care what kind though….



subliminal subliminal subliminal

        So this Valentine’s Day, snuggle up next to your significant other, a close friend, fellow passenger on the train, or perhaps the old lady in line with you in the grocery store….and raise a glass to St. Valentine, think about love, and remember that he was probably alive for a couple minutes after they cut his head off, and I’ll bet the blood was everywhere!!!

The NFL has so many outstanding citizens

New years resolution time can only mean one thing- fatties at my gym. It’s a really hard first step. I always root for them.  I also like getting onto the treadmills next to them since I’m a pretty bad runner, but guaranteed I’ll do better than they will. While they’re just narrowly escaping massive coronaries, and you wanna be their biggest cheerleaders, here are some motivational tools that have worked for me:

-Line the sides of the treadmills with empty jars and tell the fatties that after 10 minutes whoever’s jar is filled with the most sweat wins.  Tell them the big prize is $1000, when the “winner” figures out you were bluffing you’ll be able to easily outrun him.

- Handcuff them to their treadmills and tell them they can’t get off until they diarrhea out their KFC

-Video tape them in slow motion (that’s a double whammy, they’ll want to stay on long if it’s on tape, and it’s entertainment for you for later.)

I'm the ONJ of my gym... without all the fruity singing

I don’t really do any of those things.  I think the best motivator would be to go up to them and tell them what I really think- “stop sweating up the weight machines and catching your breath for ten fucking minutes, and do yourself a favor and throw those gym shoes in the trash. That way when you give up in two more days, you won’t have to watch them collecting dust by your door and mocking you on a daily basis until you finally hide them in the back of the closet along with your uneaten ‘nutri-systems’ food and deflated exercise ball….cause you popped it….cause your fat.”

It’ll be just like those movies where the dad motivates the son by never believing in him. And in the end, when the son accomplishes something there’s that tear-jerking moment where the staunch dad finally says “I love you, son.” The fatties will probably thank me in the end, too. But hopefully not tell me they love me.

I don’t plan on doing that either though. It’s not a new years resolution of mine to help anyone, especially at the gym. I usually just keep to myself and listen to my workout playlist and avoid eye contact. Of course, I need to occasionally remind myself that while my iphone is providing what I think is a soundtrack to how awesome I look working out, no one else can hear ‘Running with the Devil’. I have to remember that even though I think I look sweet as hell benching thirty pounds, I should probably stop high fiving myself in the mirror.

I guess I just get frustrated because I’m always impressed that the heavy people are making the effort, but it never lasts.

It’s super bowl Sunday, yep just like any other day. I’m not excited for the game.  I’m also probably not going anywhere so I’m not excited for meat and cheese based snacks and semi-heavy drinking.  I guess I’ll watch? It should be awesome, two old school, small market, blue collar teams facing off. The only problem is, one is the packers and the other is led by a rapist.

I’ll feel somewhat conflicted at every play. As much as I hate the idea of the packers winning the super bowl , I hate the idea of a rapist winning even more.  The Packers are definitely a worthy foe, and I guess I’ll root for…them? I think what would ideally happen is the sight of Fergie throwing Ben Roethlisberger into some kind of sex rage and he tackles and starts raping Aaron Rodgers to the song ‘I’ve got a feeling’. wooooohooooo 

Sex Rage material

I wonder how long it will take for all this snow to melt. When it does I guess everyone will see what I buried under there. Muhahahahahhhahahahaha…….

The answer is: headless dolls J

snooooooooooooway!

So it’s groundhog day. What if the snow happens again and again, and we relive this day for months? At least I wouldn’t have work. How long until we all stop shoveling?  It’s almost 3:30 which is when I usually head out of work. So far today I’ve shoveled the drive with Dan and managed to shower and change into…pajamas. YAY BLIZZARD!!!

It’s about time winter paid off post Christmas. It’s certainly been awhile.  Lately I’ve been spending these, the coldest days thinking about falling asleep in the sun after a few icy cold drinks. I fell asleep today after shoveling.

Ok, I don’t care that I’m getting wrapped up in the snowpocalypse. This was the biggest snow storm of my lifetime thus far, and possibly ever. It’s funny, Thundersnow 2011 is something we’ll always talk about. Yep, in ten years it’ll be like- remember that storm? And when that girl Elyse started her awesome blog?

I guess I’m getting a little stir-crazy at this point. I’ve checked facebook so many times I’ve developed conspiracy theories about all the status updates coming from robots. I think the thing that tipped me off was when Katie Erk made that update about motor oil being brain food, and here’s the weirdest part, Jeanine hit like! Also Dan is sitting across from me on his computer. If we were in a cartoon he would be turning into French fries.  I really want some French fries. Maybe if I bite him he’ll get me some.




Clever disguise, but you made one big mistake!

 

Dan turned on ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ because of the snow…and the nerd factor.  I’m just wondering why it’s moments after Darth Vader’s cut Luke’s hand off that he chooses to let him know he’s his dad. It just seems like poor form. What if you were adopted and approached by your birth parents…and after wincing, trying to stay appropriate and hold back your emotions you forced out the word, “D-Dad?” And he was like MACHETE TO THE FOOT!!!! Haha, buzzkill. Sure you met your dad, but you’ll never tap dance again.

I think in order to keep the snow theme going maybe we’ll watch “The March of the Penguins”.  Those penguins had to deal with way worse conditions with no snow pants. Getting caught on Lake Shore Drive would have been a breeze for them.  The best part of that movie is definitely the penguin revolt. They sneak to the igloos and start killing Eskimos with icicles and sweet ninja kicks. Then probably they all turned into French fries, well that’s what would have happened if it were my movie.  I’m available whenever some hot shot producers wanna give me a call. 3 rules, jewfaces, well 4. 1: All your names are now jewface, regardless of background. 2: Nothing in my films can be deemed too offensive or shocking. 3: I will star in all of my films. And 4: Every film will end with all the characters turning into French fries

Speaking of Lake Shore, what the fuck were those people doing driving that late? If I had to get home from the city yesterday at around 2 I’d have been like, screw you guys, I’m going home. I saw footage of them being rescued on snowmobiles this morning. The fuck? Are we in a bad futuristic action movie from the early 90’s? OOO, I should write that. In a world where Thundersnow strikes, one person is brave enough to blog in bears sweatpants. BTDubs, I have two pairs of bears sweatpants, just in case I’ve been wearing bears sweatpants like the last ten times you’ve seen me.  I’m looking in your direction, writing group.

Yes, I’m involved in a writing group now. NERD ALERT! It’s super fun, it’s what’s motivating me to write this blog. Also, this blog takes its username and title from my Xanga because I forgot the Xanga password. Also, I’m lazy.  I hope I can get some French fries without leaving the couch.

My very first post!!

Blogging is so lame, especially as a verb. Blogging. I have to blog….on the toilet, haha! I’ve been laboring for a couple weeks to think about something worth posting about. I figured I’d better just sit down and start writing.

I went to school for writing afterall. What’s that all about? I do like writing, a lot actually. It’s pretty self-indulgent though. Maybe that’s not true for everyone, but definitely for me. I mostly just like doing it so people will laugh at my jokes and tell me I’m funny so I can be all like, I know! I think so too! Isn’t it great how we agree on how talented and amusing I am?  Here’s some food for thought: what if I’m retarded and everyone is always laughing at me and not with me?  ‘Food for thought’ is a cliché, and you shouldn’t use those when writing, that’s something I learned at writing school. I used to take this cool bus to my classes, it was short. Wait a minute!!

The other thing about going to school for art is, as it turns out all people think they’re special in some way. The thing of it is, if you’re thinking that, odds are instead of concentrating on how unique/brilliant/talented you are, most people are thinking those things about themselves. Oh god, I’m talking myself out of writing this blog!

That’s kind of how I feel about my birthday…conflicted?  I have the birthday blues. I get them every year. I think it’s mostly because January sucks so much. It makes me wish tanning didn't cause cancer. I usually get over Debbie-downer state when the “me centered” celebrating commences and I remember how much I like attention. You probably knew that already if you were reading this….since it’s a blog.

Birthday tantrums might just be the funniest tantrums of all.  I think it’s the pointy hats.  Yep, whether you’re celebrating or throwing a hissy fit, strap on a pointy hat and hilarity ensues.  Probably why Klu Klux Klan members are so entertaining, while skin heads are a bunch of sour-pusses. 




A birthday mating ritual...

 

I’m thinking Karaoke to ring in a quarter of a century of Elyse. I’m seeing an aforementioned pointy hat, and a breakdown in the middle the stage while claiming between sobs over the instrumental crescendo of a Journey song to be determined that “my birthday is ruined!” Should be a fun time.

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Ok, so I got a little distracted on the way to posting this online.  Birthday weekend and all... I feel the need to bring everyone up to speed. Birthday=over. I’m a little relieved, although I got some good loot and homemade pizza  mmm.

There was ‘karaokeeing’.  As it turns out, the song to be determined was, of course, drum roll please- “Don’t Stop Believing”.  I did sing that, but I didn’t sob that my party was ruined. I was doing pretty Ok until the end of the evening when I felt myself floating in and out of consciousness and was unable to pull the trigger on a drunk, kind of fat dumb chick who wanted to start a fight. You might be wondering how I could let this happen. But then again it was only an hour or so into having turned 25 that I celebrated by re-acquainting myself with my pasta dinner, oh man let me tell you, did we ever get re-acquainted!



We were so awesome, then we barfed so much



Is the problem that in my unmotivated journey toward maturity I’ve learned nothing? Or does this puking deal really get worse as I get older? Every time is like a surprise now. A horrible, horrible surprise. Like how I hurt my foot at the gym last week. Am I…aging?? After a coma on the couch I spent Saturday morning (my birthday) dry heaving….dry heaving loudly. So loud that it woke Dan up even though I was in the basement. I’m a loud barfer, and while my hangovers seem to be getting worse, some things never change.

Ready for this adventure? Too bad, it’s not an adventure, it’s a blog…stupid. Please continue to read, or don’t. I don’t really care. Actually, I hate you.