We're long overdue for another streaker at the Oscars...

It’s Oscar season, which means one thing. Bologna party!!! Also, the Academy Awards are a week from Sunday.  There’s so much glitz, glamour, high fashion risks that I don’t understand. And there’s a room full of celebrities doing what they do best, having their ego’s stroked and being lulled into believing that the work they do is important.

I don’t mean to sound condescending, I love movies. Of course, not usually the type of movies that win Oscars… At any rate I feel I’m highly qualified to review the films up for the big prize: Best Picture. I’m super smart, have great taste, and I’ve seen two of the movies in the category so it should be a breeze.

The Fighter: I don’t see how a movie about white boxers is based on a true story. Not Oscar material.Marky, why didn’t you quite while you were ahead…in the funky bunch?



I have so many people to thank...



The Kids are All Right: A film starring Annette Bening’s gym teacher hair and a socially aware and topical premise about two lesbians raising a family. I heard this movie was pretty funny, but when my sister saw it she said it lost her when it turned out the ‘birth father’ owned some kind of organic restaurant or some shit.  LAME! The Oscars love these types of movies, they help teach the stupid American public to be more progressive. We’re all just ignorant without movies to show us that we’re all a little bit racist, thanks Crash. So I guess this is a contender, but I’m thinking if anything the turkey baster is a dark horse for Best Supporting Actor.

Black Swan: Another socially aware film, this one depicts the lives of lesbian ballerinas. I once knew a ballerina, I worked with her when I was a receptionist. She was weird! She was super boney and had Olive Oyl boobs and no bra.  She had Ron Burgandy hair and a little bit of a moustache to match.  I wonder if the film would have drummed up as much interest if this girl landed the Mila Kunis Role and plunged face first into Natalie Portman’s crotch.

The King’s Speech: From what I can tell, a boring movie about a stammering King. First of all, England is stupid. Second, this is supposed to be an inspirational film about overcoming adversity….by talking?? The Germans are coming, hope the king can finish a sentence in under 15 fucking minutes.  Unless in the end the king gains so much confidence by kicking the stuttering issue that he flips out and starts killing a bunch of Nazis, I don’t think I’ll draw much inspiration.



Wimp.



Inception: How can you steal from people’s dreams? Mine are always about being late for work, what good does that do anyone?

The Social Network: This is one of the films I actually saw! I think it was about some website or something….youtube? Anyway, the main character is a neurotic jew with a lot of money. Pretty original.

127 Hours: I’m pretty sure overcoming a boulder by cutting off your fucking arm is more impressive than overcoming a speech impediment. So right there I’ll put this movie ahead of The King’s Speech in the Oscars race. Plus James Franco is pretty fiiiine. I look forward to watching him tell Bruce Vilanch jokes.  I thought if you were fat you were supposed to be funny, and that guy is sooo super fat.


A still from one of Franco's lesser know roles from this year on General Hospital



True Grit: In this remake, Jeff Bridges pays homage to John Wayne’s Oscar winning role. I’m thinking it would have been funnier if it was the dude as a cowboy, nice going Coen brothers…

Toy Story 3: The third and final installment of the Toy Story franchise made me cry an embarrassing 3 times.  The first time I was only about ten minutes in, luckily I had 3D glasses on, which by the way, did not enhance the movie going experience at all. When will this 3D fad end? I mean, I understand why you would want to pretend the Biebs is right there with you, but beyond that…

Winters Bone….r: A film about poor people (I think). Some girl searches for her drug dealing father…lame! If I wanted to watch that I would just head over to Robbins and look for a little kid wandering around outside after midnight with no shoes on.

Ok so after careful consideration, it looks like the best picture will probably be: Lottery Ticket!!