This isn't a sequel.

When we were little we used to watch two tapes constantly, Peter Pan, with that super sexy Peter Pan played by some dude named Mary Martin, and a tape of the Wizard of Oz that was recorded off of TV.  Two things to mention about the tape, first I got the DVD of The Wizard of Oz for Christmas like 6 years ago, and that was the first time I saw the end of the movie without it being cut off.  So I pretty much always figured that Dorothy’s big lesson was to run away whenever you’re bored with your sepia-toned life and need a break from your haggish Aunt Em. And the other thing is the old commercials on this tape are awesome.

Even her friends are terrifying

Anyway, The Wizard of Oz, as far as I’m concerned is nearly perfect, yet, director Walter Murch felt by 1985 we were ready for a complete reimaging of the classic film, perhaps the most beloved film of all time, and brought it back to its roots from the original books, it was called “Return to Oz”. It’s not exactly a sequel because the MGM rights are probably way more expensive than the rights to the original books. If you’ve never heard of this film, you might be wondering why, the reason is, it bombed.  

I happened to see part of this movie as a kid at my grandma’s house on TV and didn’t want to leave before I could see how it was going to shake out for Dorothy this time. The movie was disturbing enough that it wasn’t too far of a leap to imagine that she might die. I never did get to see the end of the movie, and it was so fucking weird I spent the last twenty years or so wondering if it was some strange dream I had. Too lazy to search for it on the internet, the other day the question I obsessively asked was finally answered when Return happened to be on TV. Was it as creepy as I remembered? No. it was creepier.



Fairuza is dressed and ready to be type cast as a lesbian

The film, as you may have guessed, is about Dorothy’s return to Oz, but what you might not have guessed is instead of running into some friction with her family at the farm, Dorothy’s main conflict outside of Oz is in a mental institution where a Doctor is preparing to conduct electroshock therapy on Dorothy.  I suppose Dorothy being sexually abused and beaten was the original intention for the opening conflict, but then the film might have run long.  Anyway, escape from the institution, thunderstorm, yada yada yada she’s back in Oz. Also, it should be noted that a young Fairuza Balk played Dorothy….



Now it’s fair to argue that a lot of people were terrified of the flying monkeys as kids, it seems natural to make Return to Oz a little scary. But there is nothing natural about the villains that took the flying monkeys’ place in Return.



Reasonably frightening Henchman

Hitler's nightmares

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The elongated arms on the Wheelers add an extra sense of horror, and I tried to block my mind from deciphering why, but then I pictured them without the jackets. Shudder.  From there, there’s a princess who has a collection of detachable and interchangeable heads, a ‘Gnome King’ made of out of stone for some reason, a character who I assume murdered the scare crow and wore his face as a prize, and a myriad of other characters that could be used in threats to get children to eat their vegetables.

I ate all of Scarecrow's straw and made him watch

I ended up watching Return to Oz in its entirety, and it really wasn’t bad as far as kids’ movies go, but I was so irked the whole time. There’s an intangible reason The Wizard of Oz is so highly regarded beyond how great the movie is. When I watch it I still remember the commercials from our taped version for Cadbury cream eggs with auditioning animals trying to take the Cadbury bunny’s job (which they still play and I can’t help but think about how all those animals are dead now) and one with this fruity little magician kid using paas and a magic wand to color his Easter eggs (I’m guessing this was taped during lent).

The point is, I remember watching over and over in the basement at home over twenty years ago, and it brings me back at least on some level to something that is completely unobtainable, to something fading and out of reach, the way I felt when I was a little kid. So few things in this world have that power, for me it’s things like going to bed on Christmas eve, the smell of popcorn, and watching the Wizard of Oz.  I was entertained by the 80’s acid trip to Oz, but I can’t accept an expressionless version of the Scarecrow, or love a Dorothy who doesn’t sing.

There is no god.