New years resolution time can only mean one thing- fatties at my gym. It’s a really hard first step. I always root for them. I also like getting onto the treadmills next to them since I’m a pretty bad runner, but guaranteed I’ll do better than they will. While they’re just narrowly escaping massive coronaries, and you wanna be their biggest cheerleaders, here are some motivational tools that have worked for me:
-Line the sides of the treadmills with empty jars and tell the fatties that after 10 minutes whoever’s jar is filled with the most sweat wins. Tell them the big prize is $1000, when the “winner” figures out you were bluffing you’ll be able to easily outrun him.
- Handcuff them to their treadmills and tell them they can’t get off until they diarrhea out their KFC
-Video tape them in slow motion (that’s a double whammy, they’ll want to stay on long if it’s on tape, and it’s entertainment for you for later.)
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| I'm the ONJ of my gym... without all the fruity singing |
I don’t really do any of those things. I think the best motivator would be to go up to them and tell them what I really think- “stop sweating up the weight machines and catching your breath for ten fucking minutes, and do yourself a favor and throw those gym shoes in the trash. That way when you give up in two more days, you won’t have to watch them collecting dust by your door and mocking you on a daily basis until you finally hide them in the back of the closet along with your uneaten ‘nutri-systems’ food and deflated exercise ball….cause you popped it….cause your fat.”
It’ll be just like those movies where the dad motivates the son by never believing in him. And in the end, when the son accomplishes something there’s that tear-jerking moment where the staunch dad finally says “I love you, son.” The fatties will probably thank me in the end, too. But hopefully not tell me they love me.
I don’t plan on doing that either though. It’s not a new years resolution of mine to help anyone, especially at the gym. I usually just keep to myself and listen to my workout playlist and avoid eye contact. Of course, I need to occasionally remind myself that while my iphone is providing what I think is a soundtrack to how awesome I look working out, no one else can hear ‘Running with the Devil’. I have to remember that even though I think I look sweet as hell benching thirty pounds, I should probably stop high fiving myself in the mirror.
I guess I just get frustrated because I’m always impressed that the heavy people are making the effort, but it never lasts.
It’s super bowl Sunday, yep just like any other day. I’m not excited for the game. I’m also probably not going anywhere so I’m not excited for meat and cheese based snacks and semi-heavy drinking. I guess I’ll watch? It should be awesome, two old school, small market, blue collar teams facing off. The only problem is, one is the packers and the other is led by a rapist.
I’ll feel somewhat conflicted at every play. As much as I hate the idea of the packers winning the super bowl , I hate the idea of a rapist winning even more. The Packers are definitely a worthy foe, and I guess I’ll root for…them? I think what would ideally happen is the sight of Fergie throwing Ben Roethlisberger into some kind of sex rage and he tackles and starts raping Aaron Rodgers to the song ‘I’ve got a feeling’. wooooohooooo
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| Sex Rage material |
I wonder how long it will take for all this snow to melt. When it does I guess everyone will see what I buried under there. Muhahahahahhhahahahaha…….
The answer is: headless dolls J
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