Oh Lincoln, your birthday is so sexy!

It’s a very special time of year, the weather sucks balls, the next vacation day is super far, and I’m forced to destroy my teeth with chalky stale candies decorated with updating sayings like ‘text me’. I don’t even like ‘Sweethearts’ but there’s just so damn many of them I feel obligated to eat them or they’ll never go away. Who buys those? Stop it! We also get to celebrate the beheading of St. Valentine by going out to dinner.  And why shouldn’t we? Nobody likes saints anyway.  Always marching, and losing to the Seahawks…

                When my birthday celebration resulted in dry heaves (see ‘my very first post’) I turned on the TV and the movie ‘Valentine’s Day’ was on HBO. Aside from the jokes not being funny, and the movie shooting for mediocre at best overall, I had to ask….Am I to believe that Jessica Biel hates Valentine’s Day because she’s alone? Jessica Biel?? I’m pretty sure if I’m an old spinster in sweat pants and a bleach stained Cheryl Crow T-shirt and I’m watching Jessica Biel stress eat chocolates and rant about valentine’s day, I’m gonna hate the holiday, too. So maybe the film accomplished that much.

                In the third grade, my dad took me to the store to pick out my valentines so I could pass them out to the kids in my class.  When I saw my favorite Saturday morning cartoon on one of the cardboard boxes, as you can imagine, I was pretty fucking excited.  I couldn’t believe such a badass version of those stupid little cards existed.  I figured I was pretty much gonna blow everyone away with my valentines that had the sweet X-Men puns. I was wrong, though. Mostly I just got made fun of for buying boy Valentines. It was so disappointing.  I remember thinking everyone in my class was stupid.

I totally remember this one!!

Somewhere in my house still exists a Superman Valentine Erin McGurk gave me.  When I got it I should have figured we were kindred spirits. And maybe I would have, if amidst all the other kids teasing me for not acting like a girl, Erin had approached me and slipped her Superman valentine onto my desk, validating me, letting me know I wasn’t going to be weird all by myself. But I didn’t know Erin then, she gave me the Superman valentine when we were like 15. So mostly I just figured she was in love with me….and then I made fun of her for being weird. It wasn’t really fair, she didn’t know comic book valentines were kind of a sore spot for me…

I’m gonna point out that I’m making fun of Erin for ‘being in love with me’ when I still have the valentine she gave me ten years ago. Ok, shutup, we’re running off to Vermont together.

                This is the first Valentines that Dan and I are married.  We can go out I guess….or stay in and change into pajamas at like 6pm. Either sounds pretty dynamite to me. As long as we don’t watch that awful Valentine’s Day movie, I might have Viet Nam type flash backs and start dry heaving again. Dan can buy me chocolates I guess, don’t really care what kind though….



subliminal subliminal subliminal

        So this Valentine’s Day, snuggle up next to your significant other, a close friend, fellow passenger on the train, or perhaps the old lady in line with you in the grocery store….and raise a glass to St. Valentine, think about love, and remember that he was probably alive for a couple minutes after they cut his head off, and I’ll bet the blood was everywhere!!!