This is Halloween?

My personal best

I love Halloween. Now that I have to spend a shit-ton of money on Christmas, it seems to be creeping its way into being my favorite holiday.  I marvel at how seamlessly it transitions with age, from trick-or -treating in costume to being obnoxious and drunk in costume. And now I can watch horror movies without needing an afghan to peek through just in case it gets too scary. Unfortunately, I have some gripes about the holiday that I’d like to complain about (for a change). Because there are dumbasses out there who despite Halloween being as simply awesome as possible, still manage to fuck it up.

These taste like sadness

Peanut Butter kisses

You remember them, the worst candy on earth. I feel the candy manufacturer that released these had a disgruntled candy chef whose wife left him for being too fat. “But I’m a candy chef!!  What did you expect?” Then it was off to the candy kitchen to create a Halloween monstrosity, and I’m not referring to the plus sized sexy costumes (yes those exist) I’m talking about peanut butter kisses. They’re a candy that looks innocently similar to a bullseye, but is made with crumbly, waxy peanut butter. The orange and black wrappers were oddly appealing, enough so that I kept trying to eat them even though I knew they tasted like poison.  I have vivid memories of spitting the sludgey crap back out into my hands.  God, kids are disgusting. Shame on that fat chef, and shame on the cheap parents who passed them out.

Trick-or-treating

Maybe it results in the possession and consumption of more sugar than a child can healthily process and digest, but it also caused the most exercise I probably got all year. I remember breathlessly running, heavy pillowcase over my shoulder, kids screaming ‘THIS IS A GOOD HOUSE!!! THIS IS A GOOD HOUSE!!’ Then speeding over there for my next score. Rain, sleet, wind, there was no curfew to speak of, I just kept collecting candy until my hands throbbed and my legs couldn’t carry me anymore. Then Shelly and I would dump our loot on the living room floor and do tradesies. The thing that sucks about trick-or-treating now is, nobody effing does it anymore! It’s a shame. Sure, maybe the black clothes and sight impairing masks along with the sugar rush made it slightly more likely for a kid to run in the street and get hit by a car. But honestly, I did the same thing and never got run over.  So really people, are we all too afraid to say that this is a strong example of Darwinism? How hard do we really need to work to keep the stupid kids safe? Now-a-days a lot of people have lame Halloween parties for all the neighborhood kids in lieu of trick-or-treating. But honestly, I think your kid is way more likely to get molested while bobbing for apples at one of those creepy parties than while knocking on stranger’s doors for a few hours.

umm...what?

Shitty movies-

I love horror movies, I even love terrible horror movies, but I hate lame horror movies that become wildly popular. Paranormal activity? Is this what it takes to scare people en mass? Maybe I’ll prop my iphone up in my dark living room and stand in a shadow for a couple minutes before jumping out. I’ll be a millionaire! While I’m on the subject, why is there a Saw franchise? Torture is not scary, it’s just disgusting and exhausting to watch. Anyway, I know I tend to get a little controversial on this blog at times, and this is no exception. A Nightmare before Christmas is totally overrated. I’m sick of Christmas in my Halloween as it is, I don’t like seeing ornaments next to jack-o-lanterns in the department stores, and I don’t like seeing a skeleton hanging out with elves. I’ll accept it as a Christmas movie, but not Halloween. And what’s up with all the NMBC tattoos? Really? This children’s movie spoke to you that much? Also, the music isn’t even that great. Why would you wanna watch out of date claymation when  you could watch movies like Dawn of the Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, or Scream? If horror movies aren’t your thing (well you’re probably lame) but can I suggest something to help you through them? Just imagine that the victims are people you know and hate, and that the characters killing them are you. I do that, constantly.

Anything but candy

Aside from the aforementioned Peanut Butter Kisses, the only way you could fuck up passing candy to trick-or-treaters is by giving them anything but candy. I was a polite kid, but I couldn’t make my mouth form for the word ‘thankyou’ when someone gave us pennies. I remember just responding with ‘oh, pennies.’ And did anyone ever eat a popcorn ball, or did you all just throw them at someone?  I remember someone actually even giving out pencils one year. Great! You gave e something I can take home, sharpen, then come back to use it to stab you in the eye. Because you just made me think about school at the worst possible time.

Other than that, go Halloween! Stay safe, stay classy, stay drunk, stay slutty.