Peeps Suck

Easter is the most significant holiday in Catholicism, so we have to give up things, feel badly about ourselves and talk about death a lot. Sounds pretty Catholic! I don’t think many people list Easter as their favorite holiday.  It’s on a Sunday which sucks, and we don’t even get a day off. And after 40 days of giving something up, and not eating meat on Fridays, we’re awarded by gorging on some hard boiled eggs that always get dye on the inside, and throwing some peeps in the microwave. I know Jesus died for our sins, but seriously this is over a MONTH of sacrifice every year. Also, I always consider giving up drinking for lent, but I never do.

Did anyone actually go to visit the Easter Bunny at the mall? If you’re a parent, before you set the kids in a stranger’s lap for what’s hopefully only the second time in a year, do a little research and google the term ‘furries’.   Is that really something you want a photo of? A costume that no doubt attracts weirdos? Also, where do you think that costume goes when it’s not in use? What if it’s in storage at the mall all year and when they dust it off there’s a hole missing from the crotch? “Harold, it happened again, better sew another stuffed animal in there. If there isn’t an age limit for sitting in the bunny’s lap in place already there probably should be. Imagine an androgynous and overweight teenager who waits until Holy Saturday to sit in the Bunny’s lap, stalls until several minutes have gone by and the bunny can feel his leg getting sweaty and warm from the prolonged contact and has to insist that the he has to take pictures with the next little boy or girl even though there’s no one in line before finally the question of ‘what’s happening with the costume when you’re done with it?’ is asked.



A pervert's fantasy...



It's always funny when these Jews fall

One fun thing you do at Easter is the stations of the cross, and by fun I mean, not fun at all. You have to be really super serious and quiet and well-behaved in church.  Plus it’s one of those situations where you can’t make a joke or laugh or smile or anything about someone falling. It was one of those lessons in appropriate behavior for a kid who watched a lot of Three Stooges. Out of 14 stations Jesus falls 3 times, 3 times! You only have to fall once to get kicked out of a bar. If you have the power to turn water into wine it’s probably best you know your limits, especially before your own crucifixion.  Anyway, couldn’t they have tightened it up to 12 stations and had him fall only once?  By the third spill you start wondering if Jesus is a drama queen. 

We also had to color in the Stations of the Cross because school is a waste of time.  When I made it to station 5, ‘Simon of Cyrene carries the cross’ I decided to use my black crayon to color in Simon’s face since he was black, which seemed logical enough to my seven year old self.  I didn’t even take the time to color it neatly, and when I finished I looked down on the scribbly black hole that was enveloping Simon’s face and realized I should have used a shade of brown.  It was the first time I did something that I was aware was politically incorrect.  I was pretty upset about it too, because it was my favorite station, Simon helping and all. Plus, I was worried I was going to get in trouble. My teacher didn’t say anything, though. She probably just thought I was dumb.



"Shut the fuck up! You should just
smile and fucking blow me! Because
I deserve it!"- haha hillarious



There are a lot of good Easter movies, though.  Actually, that’s not true. Can someone explain why the bunnies in ‘Hop’ have English accents? So this year we’ll probably sit back, relax, have some leftover ham and cadbury eggs, and pop in ‘The Passion of the Christ’.  Nothing like watching someone get tortured to death to put you in the holiday spirit. I’ve never seen ‘The Passion’ but the other thing is, it’s in a different language.  I mean, I’ll sit through a foreign film if I have to, it’s not their fault they don’t speak English. But why would you EVER do it on purpose? Who actually cares about authenticity? I couldn’t tell you if anything from ‘Apocalypto’ was realistic, but watching those Indians kill each other was totally badass.  The Passion just seems like a total drag. How could Mel Gibson do something so boring even though he says such awesome things?

Anyway, in closing, Easter might not be the best holiday, but it’s still a holiday. Enjoy your chocolate bunnies and butter that’s shaped like lamb, and raise a glass to Mel Gibson, because he’s fallen on some hard times lately.